A Survival Guide for Holiday Visits with Narcissistic Parents

5 Ways to Care for Yourself and Hold Your Boundaries This Season

Lindsay has mixed feelings about her upcoming holiday visit with her parents. In past visits, she and her mom would start off with a few days of a “honeymoon period,” but tension would soon build up. Her mom often made backhanded comments about Lindsay’s job, boyfriend, and appearance, saying things like her daughter “could do much better than that.”

She also criticized Lindsay’s decision to stay in another state after college, insisting it was a mistake. Her mom believes Lindsay should move back home to “help out” her aging parents because that’s what “a good daughter who loves her parents is supposed to do.” She often complains that Lindsay doesn’t call or visit enough and accuses her of being cold and secretive for not sharing more details about her life.

Lindsay can’t quite explain it, but during these visits, she always ends up feeling irritable, anxious, and unmotivated. Before long, she shuts down emotionally. By the end of her trips, she’s counting the days until she can return to her own home, where her boyfriend and their dog are waiting for her.

“It’s weird,” Lindsay says. “My mom tells me she needs me and wants us to be best friends, like other moms and daughters who share everything and spend lots of time together. But honestly, I don’t think she likes me or is interested in my life. She mostly talks about herself, and when I try to share something, she quickly shifts the focus back to her. It’s like she’s saying, ‘I don’t approve of you, and you need to take care of me.’ It feels like the only thing that matters in our relationship is her needs. I don’t know how to make her happy. It’s like trying to solve an impossible puzzle.”

For parents with narcissistic tendencies, their children are often seen as extensions of themselves rather than as separate individuals with their own identities, needs, and desires. In their minds, a child’s achievements serve as reflections of their own worth, something to protect and showcase to maintain their ego. When the child fails to meet their expectations, whether realistic or not, the parent may respond with criticism, shame, or emotional withdrawal.

Lindsay used to tell herself that her mom simply saw potential in her, that she believed in her abilities and only wanted the best for her. But lately, she’s started to question that. She’s realizing that her mother’s comments don’t inspire her; they leave her feeling worthless, anxious, ashamed, and guilty. Because of this, Lindsay often avoids phone calls and dreads upcoming visits.

Narcissistic parents frequently have a distorted perception of their relationship with their children. They may expect their children to meet their emotional needs, acting as though they are the ones who need care and attention. When their children inevitably fall short of these unrealistic demands, the parents may resort to manipulation, using shame and guilt to regain control.

If you can relate to Lindsay’s feelings about upcoming family visits, the following suggestions may help:

1. Shorten the trip and schedule breaks.

Keep your visit brief and build in time away from your parents’ home. Meet up with friends, take walks, run errands by yourself, or spend quiet time alone. Limiting your exposure before things turn tense or stressful can help protect your well-being and may even ease tension for everyone.

2. Check in with yourself regularly.

Find a quiet, private space (bathroom is a great option for this) and ask, “How am I doing? What emotions, thoughts, and sensations am I noticing right now? What’s the weather like in my mind? How can I support myself now?” Taking moments like this helps you reconnect with yourself and better understand your needs.

3. Bring support or use buffers.

If possible, bring your partner or a close friend, or spend time with supportive siblings. If that’s not an option, stay connected to your support system by texting or calling people who help you feel grounded. This can prevent feelings of isolation or being trapped.

4. Let go of the belief that you can change your parents.

You may catch yourself thinking, “If I just find the right way to please them, if I become who they want me to be, then they’ll finally love and accept me.” But deep down, you probably know you’ve already tried this without success. More importantly, trying to earn their approval may mean betraying yourself. Accepting your parents as they are, with both their strengths and limitations, can bring you peace and freedom.

5. Communicate your preferences and feelings clearly, without defending or seeking approval.

You don’t need your parents to agree with you. They’re entitled to their opinions, just as you are to yours. Your responsibility is simply to communicate your limits and the consequences when those limits are disrespected.

Here are a few examples:

• “I can help with shopping until 5 p.m., then I’m heading out to see my friends.”

• “I’m sharing about my new hobby because you asked what’s new in my life. Since it doesn’t seem to interest you, let’s talk later when you’re ready to listen.”

• “You don’t have to agree with my job choices, but I don’t appreciate being criticized for them. When that happens, it makes me not want to talk further.”

Remember, a boundary is a door to your peace, and you hold the key. Also, boundaries are not about rejection; they are about protection and emotional safety.

Your parents may show narcissistic behaviors at times while also being loving and caring at others. This mix can be confusing and may even make you feel guilty for thinking of them as narcissistic. If that’s the case, you don’t have to use any label at all. Instead, focus on listening to your inner voice and validating your own experiences. Pay attention to what feels nurturing and brings you a sense of peace and relaxation. With time and practice, your holidays can become more manageable and even genuinely enjoyable.