The Cost of Growing Up with Narcissistic Parents

Navigating Self-Doubt, Building Self-Trust

Do any of the following statements sound familiar to you?

• I constantly question my ability to finish projects at work and am afraid people will find out how incompetent I am.

• When I feel angry and frustrated, I tell myself that I am overreacting and stupid for not being able to handle the stress.

• Making decisions is difficult for me because I fear I will make a mistake and regret it later.

• I am always worried about what people think of my appearance and choices.

Doubting our abilities and questioning our decisions is a natural part of life and can be beneficial for keeping ourselves in check. However, when self-doubt becomes our default mindset and we obsessively question ourselves, it can have a negative impact on our lives. In this case, this habit needs caring attention.

The Roots of Self-Doubt

When a child grows up with parents who prioritize their own needs over those of the child and invalidate the child’s experiences and needs, it can lead to a fragile sense of self in the child and doubts about their own power and agency. Excessive control and manipulation by emotionally immature parents can hinder the development of healthy boundaries and self-respect. It is heartbreaking that so many adults suffer from the lasting impact of this type of upbringing.

Here is an example:

Amy painfully recalls the look on her mother’s face when she received a B on a math quiz in fourth grade. Her mother didn’t even look her in the eyes, her expression filled with contempt. The silent treatment continued throughout the evening, and Amy would cry herself to sleep overwhelmed with deep shame and guilt. “I wished I could just disappear from the earth,” Amy said. She also remembers her mother mocking her clothing and hairstyle choices as a teenager, saying, “You used to look okay when I picked your clothes and did your hair. Look at you now.”

What happens to young Amy’s mind as she grows up with a mother like hers?

Narcissistic parents, like Amy’s mother, often communicate the message that their children deserve love only when they meet the parents’ standards. This means that love is given conditionally when the children look a certain way, achieve perfect scores, or comply with their parents’ wishes. If this doesn’t happen, harsh punishment follows: Love and attention are withdrawn, and guilt and shame are placed on the children. Over time, the children internalize the message that they are not good enough and deserve to be shamed if they don’t meet their parents’ expectations. Narcissistic parents may use tactics such as manipulation, gaslighting, belittling, or offering conditional love based on performance or compliance, to control their children and feed their fragile egos. Over time, this can erode the child’s confidence, leaving them with constant feelings of insecurity and self-doubt.

Breaking the Cycle of Self-Doubt

To reverse the deeply rooted conditioning of how we relate to ourselves, we must start within ourselves. In a sense, we can become the nurturing and supportive parent we needed but never had, in order to cultivate trust in ourselves.

Here are a few suggestions:

1. Be on your side

This can be a tough challenge for many adult children of narcissistic parents, yet it is the most crucial foundation for healing and growth. It involves changing your attitude towards the person closest to you, someone you cannot live without and need to somehow reconcile with. Being on your own side means making a sincere promise that, no matter what happens, you will always have your own back and stand up for yourself.

Do not hold back your support, do not waver in your care, do not place conditions on your support and care. Be your own advocate, stand up for your needs, and protect your boundaries like a mama bear protecting her cubs. Be patient as you forgive your mistakes and learn to do better next time. Show yourself compassion in your darkest time. You will have the best ally within yourself.

2. Be proud of yourself

If you grew up with narcissistic parents who couldn’t stop bragging about their accomplishments, you may have developed an aversion to the idea of being proud of yourself. It may feel like acknowledging your accomplishments means putting others down. However, it is important to understand that there is a different kind of pride – one that involves recognizing your hard work and efforts, and celebrating your victories, no matter how big or small.

When you take the time to reflect on your journey, you can begin to see the strength and resilience within you that has helped you overcome numerous obstacles. This type of pride is not about boasting or feeling superior to others. It’s about finding joy in your own progress and growth. Dr. Lindsay Gibson writes, “pride is the natural sensation of delight in growth.”

Start small by bringing to mind moments when you went to the gym early in the morning despite wanting to sleep more, or when you successfully assembled a complicated piece of furniture. It doesn’t have to be an achievement. Have you ever held an elevator door for a stranger to enter? Appreciate your good heart, patience, generosity, and kindness. Fully immerse yourself in these feelings for a few moments, noticing sensations like tingling and warmth in your chest. Allow yourself to savor them for as long as they last. Repeat this practice as often as you can. Each time you do, your brain will change.

3. Challenge Negative Self-Talk

As seen in Amy’s case above, a child who was shamed for her choices and punished for small mistakes with love being taken away over the years, especially by her own parents, will naturally start to believe that she can’t trust herself. Consequently, this child will develop an inner supervisor whose role is to help her avoid punishment and maintain love. Over time, this inner supervisor may transform into a harsh inner critic in highly stressful situations where she fears losing approval and belonging. In a sense, the inner critic tries to help the child keep acceptance and safety, even if it means feeling more shame.

However, upon closer examination, you may realize that the inner critic is stuck in the past, rooted in childhood experiences of seeking parental care and attention, at the expense of neglecting authenticity and true self-expression. To change your relationship with the inner critic, acknowledge the critic’s intention to help and actively update yourself by assessing situations based on current information.

When you hear echoes like “I’m not good enough” or “I’ll never succeed,” examine whether these are remnants of what narcissistic parents may have said or implied. If they seem outdated, actively counteract them by consciously challenging them. For instance, reframe them with statements like “No one knows the outcome, but I can still give my best efforts and see what happens” or “I may struggle with public speaking, but it doesn’t mean I’m unqualified for my job. It simply means I need to improve my public speaking skills through practice.”

As you may have already noticed, these suggestions will not eliminate your habit of doubting yourself overnight. The truth is, it does take time and you need to continue practicing them as often as you can. Consider how many years you have been influenced by manipulation and disrespect from narcissistic parents, which has led to ingrained feelings of worthlessness or inadequacy. Even though it may take a while and not be so easy, you will appreciate the feeling when you are your own unconditional support, able to turn to yourself for a warm hug on a day when you feel ashamed of a mistake. Remember, healing takes time, but it is worth it.