Forgiveness Is Overrated

You don’t need to forgive your narcissistic parent to heal from their abuse.

“You should forgive your parents; they did their best.”

“You won’t get better unless you forgive them.”

Have you heard these words from people around you, those who “mean well” and believe they’re being supportive? If so, what did you feel when you heard them? Guilt? Pressure? Resentment? Shame?

Many survivors of parental narcissistic abuse are left wondering whether they should forgive their parents in order to heal or find peace. And often, they’re not even sure what “forgiveness” is supposed to mean.

“Forgiveness is primarily for our own sake, so that we no longer carry the burden of resentment. But to forgive does not mean we will allow injustice again.”

— Jack Kornfield

The true purpose of forgiveness is your inner peace. What forgiveness looks like, or whether it’s even necessary, is something only YOU get to decide.

Forgiving does not mean being nice to those who hurt you, nor does it mean letting them back into your life. Forgiveness is not the same as saying, “What you did was okay,” nor does it involve condoning abuse or minimizing the harm that was done. It should never be something you do to make others more comfortable at the expense of your own healing.

If forgiveness arises naturally as part of your healing, perhaps through understanding and acceptance, that’s a meaningful place to be. It reflects an inner sense of peace, where the past no longer overwhelms you or pulls you into waves of anger, resentment, or distress.

But forcing yourself to forgive before you’re ready often creates more harm than relief. You can still hold others accountable, maintain firm boundaries, and work toward releasing the pain you carry.

It may be more helpful to think of forgiveness not as an act between you and those who harmed you, but as an inner softening - the gentle loosening of anger and resentment by holding those feelings with care. Self-compassion practices can be especially supportive in this process.

If you’re ready to turn inward and care for the hurt parts of you, here are a few suggestions that may support you:

• Forgive yourself for not forgiving and be patient with yourself:

  Anger lingers because it has something to teach us, not because we are broken or doing something wrong. Healing unfolds in its own time, and forgiveness cannot be rushed or forced. You will arrive there when you’re ready.

  
  

• Take good care of the wounded part within you:

   Allow it to speak freely. Meet it with validation, curiosity, and care rather than judgment.

• Grieve what was lost or what you’ve never had:

   This may include unmet needs, broken trust, or the parent you needed but never had. Grieving “what could have been” is a vital and often overlooked step in moving forward. Give yourself permission to feel the loss and hold it with kindness.

No matter what you choose to do or not do, this process is not meant to pressure you into actions you’re not fully ready for. The focus is on helping you feel seen, heard, and empowered. Take all the time you need to tend to your wounds and allow a forgiving heart to emerge only when it’s truly ready.